Tuesday 26 February 2019

Audience With An Idiot


On the local urban river I'm always on the move and I squirrel myself away. But sometimes you find a shoal of gudgeon next to a busy path. And nothing attracts a nutter like a fisherman - I'd been fishing about 30 minutes before I heard a shout from across the river...

CAUGHT ANYTHING MATE?
Yeah, a few small ones
NO YOU HAVEN'T, THERE'S NO FISH IN THERE
Umm, OK
IS THAT A FLY REEL?
It's a center pin
NO IT'S NOT, IT'S A FLY REEL
...
FOR FLY FISHING

(Watches me catch a small roach)

I CAUGHT A MASSIVE TROUT IN THERE YESTERDAY
I thought you said there were no fish in here
NO, IT'S F**KING FULL OF FISH
...
WHAT YOU USING FOR BAIT?
Maggots
MAGGOTS! YOU WON'T CATCH ANYTHING ON MAGGOTS
I just did
YOU NEED WORMS MATE - THEN YOU'LL CATCH
I haven't got any worms
WELL DIG SOME UP. DIG A HOLE
I'll just stick to maggots
DIG A HOLE. DIG UP A WORM. DIG A HOLE. MATE. DIG UP A WORM. DIG A HOLE. DIG UP A WORM. DIG A HOLE...

(I try to ignore him but it seems he's got all afternoon)

DIG UP A WORM...
Mate, I'm not digging a hole; one - I haven't got a spade and two - I've got a pint of maggots
YOU CAN'T F**KING HELP SOME PEOPLE!

(Stomps off)

10 comments:

  1. Sounds like every anglers worst nightmare :)

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    1. I genuinely do have nightmares about recent hook-pulls, and that feeling straight afterwards. Not about riverbank nutters though - fortunately!

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  2. Local advise is always useful, only a fool would ignore it :o)

    It could be worse though. Sat in my police car one day, I had a toothless 'care in the community' gentleman asking lots of questions whilst gumming his way through a Mars bar. I haven't eaten one since :o{

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    1. I really think he thought I was going to stop fishing and start digging - an took offence when I didn’t.

      What I didn’t add was he came back 10 minutes later, and angrily shouted something at me - when I said I couldn’t understand what he was saying he told me to ‘f**king Google it’

      I kept an eye out for a bit in case he found my side of the river! Also, thanks for spoiling Mars Bars for me :-)

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  3. You should have just dug a hole and got a worm. would have kept the nutter happy and you may have caught one of the fish that don't exist that won't eat the maggots that you were catching them on.

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  4. Sorry about that. I just wanted a chat!! 🤣😂🤣😂

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    Replies
    1. Chat: good. Digging random holes: bad! :-)

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  5. The river seems to attract all the village idiots! Either that or it’s day release day...and yeah...why didn’t you dig a hole, I could have buried myself in it after losing that roach today :-(((

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    Replies
    1. All rivers do. Either day-release or an escapee!

      So I lost a big pike and you caught it, you lost a big roach and I caught it - dangers of sight fishing in chalk streams!!

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